I don't know what to write and I feel restless. I think of what I have written and what I will write and what I should write and what I could write. I think of the book this is going to be, of how good I want it to become, I think of all the people I want to touch with it, I think of how afraid I am. Not as afraid as I once was, but still afraid, at least tonight. Who am I to claim a special connection with the earth? The voices in my head are sharp, sceptical and mean. Inside my body I feel shaky and weak. Pressure in the middle of my stomach, a lump in my throat. I think and I think and I think, and it only makes me more scared. I want to solve it, figure it all out, make a rock solid plan and stick to it. Isn't that what writers do? I need to meditate. Take my socks off and go outside, sit in the grass, feel the connection with Mother Earth. I need to breathe, go for a walk, get better at this. Someone else, I need to talk with someone, someone good and wise, someone with answers. I need help. I think and I think and I need to stop thinking. I need to find my potential and use it. I need to write in a way that makes everybody think I know my way around, and then, out there, pose as if it's true. No. I need to be dissected. Taken apart. Everybody need to see what a liar I am, what a pretentious piece of nothing I really am. No. I need to learn how to be great. How to pose, write, perform, I need, yes, I need to find a teacher, I need to read books, lots of books. And therapy. More therapy. A shaman who can send me out in the desert. Take more drugs. I need to figure out which voice is the true voice, the real me. The original. The first thought. Yes. I need to find the way back to the first thought. I don't know what to write and I feel restless.
This is a calling to slow down and listen. To take a deep breath and explore our personal connection with Mother Earth. The feminine and masculine, the beautiful and dirty, the real, the messy, the sacred. Once it was natural. Today it feels crucial.
For the next 100 Days I will write a book to the Earth. For the Earth. With the Earth. The book, and the journey, is also to you. For you. And with you. Together, we are everything.
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(Photo: Flickr/CC/Wenjie, Zhang)